5 Months Later

I've had several people ask about my blog and finally decided to update it! Being snowed in and on winter break is a good enough reason for me to do it. Having this procedure has been interesting, challenging and frustrating for me.

There are many things that make this surgery so interesting. The first thing is the amount of food I am able to eat. My eyes want to eat one portion by my stomach allows for half or less. I sometimes forget I can't eat as much as I used to and even though I try, the food won't go down! It either gets stuck or I have to vomit (sorry to those with weak stomachs!). I immediately hiccup when I am full and know that it's time to stop at that point.

In addition, the energy levels are now up. I am able to accomplish more now than I ever have. One of my biggest complaints was how lethargic I always felt. If I feel that now, it's only because of lack of sleep as opposed to being unhealthy. Trust me, I still have a long way to go but it's amazing what 25-30 lbs off your body will do for you. I have also cut my blood pressure medication in half, which makes me ecstatic! I cannot wait until I'm completely off all my medications for good. That is a definite goal of mine.

As much as things are interesting, there are a few challenges as well. I've had 3 fills so far and it's not what I expected. To begin, a fill is when the doctor takes x amount of cc's of fluid and injects it into my port to "fill" the band around my stomach. This is supposed to tighten it, allowing less food to exit, thereby allow me to eat less. The 2nd fill was brutal in the beginning for me because I could not eat anything for a good 4 days without vomitting. Afterward, the food became easier to eat and I was eating anything! This wasn't good for me at all and I ended up gaining some weight! When I went for my last fill, the doctor gave me more cc's, hoping it would do the trick. So far it has. I'm able to eat food but have to make sure that it's not too dry. Otherwise the food is definitely getting stuck! I have to be conscience of how well I chew the food and of the time. I cannot eat too fast, otherwise I'm getting sick. With the holidays, taking 30-45 minutes to eat has posed a challenge. It's hard to sit down and eat a meal within that time when I was worried about Grad courses, chores, getting shopping done, etc. Even now being on break has been a challenge because I'm back to the mentality of "eating on the go." I need to slow down and mentally tell myself to take my time.

Remembering all of this is obviously frustrating. It's frustrating not being able to grab something on the go and eat in in my car. If I wake up late for work, I have to make breakfast and lunch. Otherwise, there is nothing I can do. In addition, there are times when it's frustrating not being able to eat and drink at the same time. I cannot drink any fluids 15 minutes prior to eating or 45 minutes after eating. This is especially difficult when I'm drinking wine. The little times I do drink, I want to be able to eat cheese and crackers with my wine but am unable to do so. I'm unsure exactly why I unable to but was told it's a huge no-no. My nutritionist constantly reminds me when I get my fills at the office as well. This is something I'm going to ask the next time I'm there. Obviously, I'm making healthy choices by not being able to grab fast food in the morning (or a muffin at DD) but the constant preparations becomes tiresome at times. What's also frustrating is not seeing the weight drop off as fast as it did the first 3 monhts. This is particularly upsetting to me because whenever I dieted in the past, the weight would drop the first 3 months but then become harder to lose. This is when I lose faith and determination and quit. I have used the holidays as an excuse to "cheat" and have realized how easily cookies go down. I've also realized how easily other sweets, such as chocolate, certain cakes, and icecream, also easily digest. Although the repurcussions are a sugar crash, stomach cramps and/or irritability, the rewards of being able to eat them are far greater! I know that I am entering my vicious cycle of binging with the wrong food, as a way to compensate for the lack of weight loss. I then become discouraged and disappointed in myself, and mentally beat myself up for it. Then the cycle repeats of looking at food for comfort and binging.

From this, I now realize that this whole process is mental. It's truly mind over matter. Luckily, I have recognized the pattern I have engaged in the past 3-4 weeks and decided to break it. I started to work out this week because I can no longer feel sorry for myself, when I am doing nothing about it. I'm also getting back to my healthy eating habits because filling up on empty calories isn't effective either. I say healthy eating habits because it is not a diet. Also, this surgery has proved that it is not a quick fix but instead a life-long change and I must constantly make conscience decisions as to what to eat. Effort is required and the solution to losing the weight is simply to eat right and excercise. Although I have the ability to get my band tightened even more, it would defeat the purpose. When I decided to get this surgery, I knew the amount of work it was going to take to achieve my goals. I'm going to continue to strive each step of the way and not give up. I've come too far to do that and need to be able to overcome the obstacles. With support, I know I can do this. Much love, peace and respect....xoxo